here and now

after cleaning out my muddy mouth, i started to digest what the doctor told us. kyle and i both felt ok with spending the money on a 50% chance of achieving pregnancy, but 35% chance?  this changes the stakes a little.  by the time we got home, kyle said he still supported my decision if i wanted to go through with ivf, and here i was, being handed the hugest, most enormous decision i have ever had to make.  this was wednesday, and we decided to try to have a decision within a week.

by friday, a true miracle took place.  wed afternoon through thursday late night, i was thinking, praying, outlining things in my head… in one of my prayers to my God, i realized i did not, i repeat, did not want to be pregnant with twins.  (the main reason behind this is that part of my desire to birth a child into our world was to do it as naturally as possible- i know there are no guarantees with this, but with twins, those chances are even lower).  after i realized the twin thing, i then realized my brain was telling me, “well, if you don’t care about being pregnant with twins, being pregnant at all must not matter to you much anymore”…and the miracle is that i was thinking about all of this logistically and realistically and not crying!  i wasn’t even the least bit sad.  i realized i was having to pick my jaw up off the ground because i didn’t understand who i was for a few minutes!  i wondered, am i really thinking this?  what happened to the danielle who wanted to be pregnant so badly and dreamed about it often and never wanted to years ago and now wanted to with a vengeance?  quite frankly, that girl was gone.  poof.  into thin air.  and the crazy thing – i was relieved!

then i was affirmed on thursday when my friend Alice told me that pregnant is really just a little blip on the screen of our lives.  tiny, short little blip.  it’s a means to having a family.  sure its great and some women love being pregnant, but when she said those words to me, and i was able to ingest them for the first time without being sad and i started to understand that somewhere from the end of Jan to now, God had been changing my heart without me being aware He was doing it!  and i started having flashbacks…. i’d said long ago that i would love to adopt before even having biological children.  i married a man that is 100% excited about adopting (some men are not open to it at all).  i’ve had dreams of having a brown skinned baby.  i went to a fertility seminar to try to win a free round of ivf, and when i entered the room of over 200 people, i remember thinking if all these people would pursue adoption the world would be a better place.  i spoke at an adoption fundraiser event in orlando and as i spoke i was so overcome with emotion i could hardly finish was i was communicating and in hindsight, i think it’s because i was resisting what God was trying to tell me.  our good friend, kevin, told us one night that if we want a family badly, it shouldn’t matter how we get one.  and on and on and on. so many flashbacks all pointing in the direction of…. adoption!

the most incredible part of this journey is how God did this.  i remember spending more time in scripture and praying than i ever have.  i couldn’t get through a day without starting it with Jesus.  and for 2 months, while i thought i was preparing to do ivf, God was slowly, sweetly and gently changing my heart to go another direction, and i didn’t realize this until these 2 days i am describing above.

so after i was absolutely certain i was really feeling this way, i told kyle.  he listened and nodded his head.  he was happy! but i could tell he was really happy at the end of that day, after i had called just about everyone i know that is close to me and shared the news with them!  he was saving his excitement for when he was absolutely certain i wasn’t going to change my mind.  so yes, we are going to adopt.  yes, we want a biracial baby.  yes, we have a crib set up in the baby’s room.  yes, i am mentally decorating that room.  yes, i think i already love our baby and can’t wait to hold him or her in my arms for the first time.

and yes, all the while, i still hear the word of God reminding me to wait expectantly on Him alone, for my expectation is from Him!  Psalm 62:5

ivf preparation

about mid-january, kyle and i were talking one morning before church.  the evening before, i had gone to Orlando to speak at a fundraising event with my dad about being adopted.  i was sharing with kyle that i was afraid to go speak at this event because i was just positive that God was going to make it clear to me that He wanted us to adopt when i wasn’t at all ready to hear that or do that at this point.  i was telling him that as amazing and wonderful as the fundraiser was, i still felt a peace about trying to move forward with ivf.  i wasn’t expecting any decisions this specific morning, just wanted to make sure my husband still knew where my heart was on the matter.  so about 10 mins later he was literally getting dressed, and said all non-chalantly, “ok, we can try ivf.”  i felt like the world stood still for a moment and almost asked him to repeat it (but didn’t because this is a pet peeve of his) and i leapt into his arms and with tears in my eyes said thank you thank you thank you and was SO excited.  that day i contacted my few friends that we were willing to share with at the time, and thanked them for their prayers for us to come to a conclusion on which direction to go- this was a HUGE answer to prayer and better yet, it was the answer i wanted!  i kept thinking all day, “yay God.”  :)

i set up my ivf boot camp (yes, some offices call it that) and was ready.  i wanted to be on the next possible cycle if it was possible.  after my appointment, i was frustrated and doubtful.  with a lot of things, especially ivf, i researched.  i read anything and everything i could get my hands on.  one of my really close friends went through the process about a year before and i had her experience and information all in my brain.  some doctors do things one way, some another.  our current doctors ways with ivf were not what i was expecting or wanting, and i did not learn this until the boot camp appt.   i came home that day and shared with kyle that i didn’t feel a peace about our doctor and wanted to find another one.  this was a huge set back for me, because the first available appointment i could make was a month away.  this extra waiting time felt like a curse. (i now look back on this and trust and love that God’s timing is best.  even when we want instant answers, instant gratification, He kept me in the present moment by having me wait.  i had no choice).

i do need to share that along these 2-3 months, there was a lot of fear going through my veins.  i spoke these fears out loud to my friend Emily.  i was afraid of having twins (very common with ivf), i was afraid it wasn’t going to work and we’d be out 12,000 dollars (this was one of kyle’s main problems with ivf too), i was afraid we weren’t doing the right thing even though i thought i had all this confirmation, quite simply, i was shaking in my boots.  Emily sweetly reminded me, with tears in her eyes and tears falling from mine, that God is for me.  He’s on my team.  He’s rooting me on!  sometimes we won’t know if we are doing the exactly right thing because there are so many blasted choices in our world today and we just have to rest in Him.  i left her with a calm in my heart that wasn’t there before.  i’d lost sight of God in all the details and planning of ivf… and forgotten that He’s my biggest fan.

to make somewhat of a long story shorter, we met with the new doctor.  i loved the office staff, the doctor himself was good and accurate and honest, and all in all i just felt it was right.  it’s now the end of march, and kyle and i go in to meet with our doctor for our final talk before i start meds and the real deal of ivf.  everything was going along just dandy until he said “with your specific fertility issues, you guys have about a 30-35% chance of achieving pregnancy with ivf”.  what?  i immediately told him our other doctor had assured us a 50-60% chance of achieving pregnancy, as if i was trying to change his mind or prove him wrong.  he looked at me with a little sadness in his eyes (and this is when i knew i totally trusted this doctor) and said maybe we have more of a chance than that, but this was his honest and professional opinion.  huh?  instantly i fell off my baby-dream ride in the sky… so fun it was and going along just heavenly… i’m touching clouds and then a moment later the taste of dirt invaded my mouth.

home study

while trying to fill you all in on our journey to having a family, i haven’t yet shared we are working towards adoption (yay!) because i wanted to work through the history of how we arrived at that decision first… but i am too excited to hold back anymore~ we received our draft of our home study yesterday!!!  for those of you who don’t know, the home study is a document that you have to have in order to apply to any agency for adoption.  the first step, so to say, to declare that you are legally approved to adopt and care for a child.  even if you are doing a private adoption, you still need one.

the amazing part of this post?  i prayed specifically that we would have this document in hand and be legally equipped to adopt by june 1st of 2012. trumpets are blaring and drumroll please….  God, of course, had to show me that He’s better than that and it’s done.  now.  tadaaaa.  just like that.

isn’t He great?

batterson

my favorite christian authors so far are brennan manning.

henri nouwen.  sarah young.  richard foster.  donald miller.

i am pleased to announce 6th favorite to the list (and i haven’t even read through 1/2 his book yet)-

mark batterson.

i’m not a huge fan of “christian books” because a lot of them seem to teach an equation- do x + y = xyz.  i am aware that i am making a huge judgement call and there are probably a ton of christian authors out there who are very good- even at equation teaching/writing.  but these authors i’ve mentioned about usually have me at hello (if only tom would read this stuff- it’d be nice to see him in heaven, glorified body and all).

the circle maker is so far so amazing.  after i read it through, i will read it again.  rich information can’t be caught in one read.  like many of the authors above- i can reread their books over and over throughout the years.  and always learn something new.  THAT is evidence of a great writer, or i am just really slow to apply things in my life.  lol

yes, i am telling you to go get the circle maker and start reading!

have a great day.

changed perspective

looking back before we were deemed infertile, i see now how God was preparing me (hindsight is SO sweet).  first of all- i was drawn to him in a new way, like a mosquito to blood.  desperate, impulsive and absolutely hungry.  he gave me so many verses- Psalm 28:14- wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Romans 8:6- the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.  Psalm 74:26- my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  at the time i had no idea how much these words from God would see me through.

by the end of december 2011, we found out that we would most definitely need a serious form of fertility treatment (known as in vitro fertilization- ivf) in order to achieve pregnancy.  we instantly became the deer in the headlights.  headlights from the biggest, scariest truck you can conjure up in your imagination.  shell shocked.  i felt that way more than kyle.  we tried to talk a bit on the way home from that doctors app’t but didn’t really know what to say to each other.  so we said little.  tears from me.  hand holding and supportive squeezes from him.

and the next 3 weeks of jan 2012 were the hardest for me in my entire life.

because of my newfound desire to carry life inside me, i was leaning heavily towards ivf.  and kyle would have been happy to adopt a child the next day. don’t misunderstand, i still had a desire to adopt at this point, but my desire to experience pregnancy was much, much stronger.  so here we are, on opposite sides of the fence.  and it just happens to be one of the largest, life altering decisions we’ve ever faced.  i was a wreck.  shipwrecked.  angry.  devastated.  so so raw. totally wanting to understand but there is no understanding when this happens to you.  except to remember that God has a plan and his plan is for the good of those who love Him… and in these 3 weeks i scoffed God.  never had i been so needy for Him and so angry at Him.  my heart turned into a bunker, impossible to penetrate… except when the Spirit would sneak in uninvited, through the air holes, and i would curl up and cry in His gentle, sweet presence.  God met me in my darkest places even when i cursed Him not to.  and in those 3 worst weeks, i began to learn Psalm 62:5 – my soul, wait silently on God alone, for my expectation if from Him.  only Him.

baby makin’

not quite sure where to start– it’s been a long and crazy almost 2 years since my last entry.  i guess i never came up with something i thought worthy of writing about consistently.  however, i do believe i grasp true inspiration now.  unfortunately, it’s kind of cliche and common and not super amazing like i dreamed of what my blog would be about but that’s ok, because its about God and me and what’s happening in my life.  it’s REAL.  the nitty gritty.  it’s exciting and it’s gut wrenching.  the bare bones.  God’s ways are not my ways and it’s never been so hard to learn that in my life as these past 18months.  specifically the past 8-10 months.  while learning this concept though, i have never experienced God in a more intimate, tender and powerful way in my entire relationship with him, which started when i was only 3 years old (no lie, i can expand on that at a later time if needed).

a little background info for my fans~  i grew up loving babies.  it was like i was magnetically attracted to children.  i remember delightfully receiving baby dolls for Christmas.  i remember being trusted with other people’s babies when i was 11 yrs old and loving every second of holding any child in my arms.  this never changed as i grew up.  even after getting married at 21, totally aware that i was not ready to try to have kids for a long time, i still played peek a boo with babies at the grocery store, asked anyone i hardly knew at all if i could hold their little one and was utterly fascinated by a woman’s body being capable to bring forth life.  this amazement only deepened after i watched my niece come into this world- and for the first time after that miracle experience, i thought, i can do that… no, i want to do that!  and so that weird and wonderful journey began~ trying for a baby.  my friend alice gave me the gift and honor of allowing me to be in the room as she delivered her 3rd baby- and as crazy as it sounds (because it is gross and a little horrifying but lovely), i was empowered anew, ready more than ever to experience growing a life inside me and giving birth to my baby.  funny thing is, i did go through a time where i thought i would never give birth to a baby– i didn’t want to “destroy my body” and i was honestly just not interested.  i would tell people this and they would just smile and nod their heads. ha ha  thank you to those of you who knew to hold your tongue with me then.  when we brought a foster kid into our home in 2008, i realized i wanted a family.  i wanted to raise a child to be “this kids” friend in 3rd grade.  i learned the value of what an honor it is to have a part in raising a human being, in a way i never grasped before.

so we go from me being obsessed with babies my whole life, to not wanting to ever do that personally and thinking i would be just as happy to adopt a baby, back to wanting a baby and becoming utterly and totally enraptured by the miracle of giving birth to a child.  and breast feeding.  and all that awesome stuff that goes with it.

then it’s September of 2011~ and after about a year of trying to grow a life inside of me~ i decide it’s time to visit a fertility doctor.  yes, i got to the point where my monthly visitor would show up, and i would ball in the bathroom for a few minutes then emerge to face the day and act like everything was fine.  yes, depression would follow me more than i had ever experienced in my life before.  yes, i prayed, oh boy did i pray, that God would allow me to become pregnant.  yes, we had fun trying.  but then it wasn’t fun trying.  then it was.  then it wasn’t.  blah blah blah.  and when you are going through this, there are not many people you can talk to, or are willing to talk to, because it is just raw.  and it hurts.  and there’s nothing you can effing do about it.  it’s frustrating and lonely and very very crappy.  (my grammar is terrible but hey, it’s just how it was).  thank heavens i did have a couple people i confided in.  for those girls, i love you and thank you.

so, we met with “the doctor”.  we talked about options and testing things to make sure systems are working properly.  we talked about do’s and don’ts.  it had all become some kind of science project!  but we left feeling somewhat hopeful in exactly that, science.  this was somewhat good, somewhat bad.  we had a bit of a “plan”.  i had a feeling of control– you know, we can do this, then x will happen.

then the next morning when i sat down to spend some much needed time with my God, i came across this verse.  Psalm 62:5~ my soul, wait silently on God alone, for my expectation is from Him.  it was a river to my cracked, crusty spirit and i soaked it in too quickly… then my next thought was, oh shit, what does this mean?

March’s end

i can’t believe this happens to me!!!!!!!!!  how do i get into writing for a few days and then stop for a whole month?  it just proves that i am totally undisciplined.  and i do believe i have written this very thing on an entry on this blog before.  i now fear that i am going to be that girl who only writes on her blog on a regular basis after i have a child…. don’t get me wrong! i love all my friends who write about all that stuff– i just thought i’d be able to consistently do this without a kiddo being my purpose.

who knew.